the personal ad experiment

Today, in an effort to prove myself as the world’s biggest geek I made home made croatian donuts. It was an age old recipe handed down from …the internet, but mum used to make them back in the day so I remember how good they were. KK aren’t all that flash I tells ya. Of course, since I also happen to the world’s most pathetic cook they only sort of turned out. By “sort of” I mean..they were a bit err.. chewy. Not to worry, I’m sure the next batch will be right on track.

Then I got to thinking about how crap I am at cooking and how I’ve really degraded every single woman in my ancestry to shameful lows with my inability to cook. After all, I come from a long line of fabulous cooks, amazing, wonderful grade A cooking machines! I actually love trying things out in the kitchen frontier, but those dishes don’t always work (and sometimes it involves the fire department). What if (according to psychic) I actually do meet Mr. Wow and he is is wonderful (..don’t really believe her on this) and then I poison him with my food and he DIES?! This would be a tragedy. I hope Mr. Wow can cook for himself and is just looking for a normal (err) girl with other qualities (that I’m sure I will develop later..when I actually find out if I have any). Gee, men! What the hell do they want anyway? Cooking, cleaning, sex pots who can talk about sports? okay, yep.

So I’m, sitting at the table next to a bunch of donuts that are too chewy and mulling over my tea about how I can find out exactly what appeals to most men (as a common denominator) and come up with the most craptastic idea that I’ve ever had!

POST TWO DIFFERENT PERSONAL ADS ON THE INTERNET AND SEE WHICH ONE GETS MOST POSITIVE RESPONSES FROM MEN!

I am an evil genius. People tend to be less inhibited on the internet because they don’t have a fear of getting bitch slapped for having some sort of deviant point of view, so it’s really the perfect plan to see what men respond to…at least a certain subsection of men anyway.

So, I posted two ads. One was pretty much a true representation of me – in that it was just like any of the normal everyday drivel you’d see on here. A bit funny, a bit dorky, a bit dumb etc. Normal girl was asking for a “romantic relationship” and the ad had the word “soulmate” in there. Yes, these are words that have been known to make wheelchair bound men get up and run a country mile. BUT, it was a really sweet ad and also so many women out there really are looking for something nice and romantic and fun – so the ad happened to be true of most “normal” women I’d say. The other ad was your basic naughty vixen ad: begging for a spanking and asking in no uncertain terms to be “looked after” financially in return for sexual favours. Neither ad had pictures. Neither ad had any personal descriptions (though I *did* say that normal girl had ’squishy bits’ and that vixen girl was ‘avg weight/height’). I thought this was important because actually, normal women do have squishy bits and don’t all go to the gym every day because duh, they have normal lazy lives just like normal men.

I posted the goodies and then went off to do a load of washing.

When I came back to the computer (20 mins later?) I had something like 45 replies. Boy did I have fun reading through them. About 18 were for normal girl and the rest were for naughty vixen girl.

Normal girl, although intially the ‘loser’ (we’ll give it a few days) recieved some lovely posts from men who responded to the romantic side of things she wanted. One said “don’t worry, I’ve never cheated on a girl!” – obviously this is something that has been a worry for most women that he has been around. Many complimented her on her wit and congratulated her on being so personable and “real” (well, it was real – even though I don’t have any inclination to reply). One particular male responded to her post that said I’m looking for a guy who is honest, caring, hilarious and fun who doesn’t smash beer cans on his head or farts the alphabet. with “you are asking for too much” – which would have been funny except it wasn’t a joke. The guy was serious! I can tell that normal girl isn’t impressed by men who tell women that they are looking for too much. Normal girl is willing to take these kind of men down..to chinatown and beat them silly until they understand that looking for someone who is caring and nice actually isn’t asking for very much at all!

Naughty girl gets the initial win – she also got some very, very interesting proposals including I would tame you and make you feel like you never felt before. I know how to please a women and I love to tame wild animals too (hello tiger!) And other assorted x-rated stories that would be guarranteed to make your hair curl. The amount of men who actually responded to being a ‘benefactor’ to a young vixen is amazing though! All of them wanted a no strings arrangement whereby they were willing to “put vixen through college” just as they’ve helped numerous other young women. wow (not Mr. Wow though). It’s sort of like prostitution really. Normal girl is a bit perplexed that so many men would and do give money in place of love and devotion. Normal girl wonders why women accept this willingly.

I wonder about this for a while and so I take the whole experiment further, maybe naughty vixen has too much personality and that’s why she gets so much attention? So I post another message – no age, no description only this;

bottom line – I’ll do anything.
I want to be degraded

Anyone in their right mind wouldn’t answer this mail.
7 responses in 1 minute after midnight somewhere in the US before the message is removed as “spam”
3 with phone numbers!

oh.

So then I post my original idea – who knows?
I’m a cooking, cleaning, sex pot who loves to talk about sports.
interested?

I get one mail that asks seriously, do guys really want a women that cooks and cleans for them….thats so outdated, I dont think men even think like that anymore….i’m I wrong?

au contraire my naive friend.
cooking, cleaning sex pot who talks about sports gets 14 mails in 5 mintues before she too is flagged and removed from the site. “Spam” is the reason given.

In conclusion, I find this whole mess highly perplexing*, though I am as confused as ever. I need to learn how to cook. STAT!

Since it’s already out there, I’ll keep you posted on the progress of Naughty and Nice

*normal girl feels really guilty for leading the nice guys on btw. It was a consequence she hadn’t thought of before she pressed the ’send’ button.